Ellen Show Halloween Costume Makes Us ‘Howl’ With Laughter!

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This is Lucy (Lou-C) and she is the newest addition to our family. You may be wondering how does THIS have anything to do with eating healthy? Well, the truth is she brings us so much joy and happiness. Which is something that everyone needs in their life no matter how much weight you need to lose.

Additionally, if my personal health wasn’t enough to motivate me to get out and walk, the look she gives me when she grabs her leash and runs for the door is more than enough motivation.

Here she is in her 1st Halloween costume. 🙂

 

 

 

Portions Shmortions!

Portions

I will say this…portion control is the fat person’s chastity belt.

It’s cruel, it’s mean and it’s something that I have struggled with for a long time.

Until now.

My friend Christy started on a program where she learned about portion control and how to eat right. When I saw her latest Facebook posting of her before and after picture I quickly messaged her to find out what her secret was. When she first mentioned  “Take Shape For Life”, I was thrilled at the idea of drinking milk shakes for the rest of my life. She quickly spelled out S-H-A-P-E not shakes and sent me to her website.

I scrolled through the website. I read the articles. But the proof I needed was that my friend, who I had known for several years, had taken back control. She wasn’t selling me anything. She wasn’t pushy and demanding. She was just simply Christy, minus (at that time) about 80 pounds.

I signed up for the program and I waited for my box of chocolate happiness to arrive. I explained to Christy that there might be a good chance that I would eat all of the boxes of chocolate bars within the first few days and could possibly die of my rectum bursting from constipation. She laughed and simply told me to print out the articles and read them over the weekend. For some men the article titled, “Lean Shrinkage Chart”  might make them squirm for a moment. However, the information is great and easily accessible.

I am happy to say I made it through the first week on Take Shape For Life, and survived eating the bars without my rectum exploding. I’m down 12 pounds which is really a no brainer since I’m cutting back my freak show way of eating and pounding more water than Niagra Falls.

Thank you Christy for being so brave in telling your story and inspiring change!

More posts and pictures to follow…

 

 

 

 

Toothpasting Gone Wrong

A few days ago I overheard two kids talking about “toothpasting.” Not knowing what they were talking about, I tried to be cool and jumped into the conversation by stating that I “toothpasted” several years ago and would never do it again.

They both looked at me as if I were insane and they asked what happened?

I put my feet up and sat back in the chair as I began to tell them the story of my first and only “toothpasting” incident.

The year was 1998 or sometime around there and I had just moved to Los Angeles. I didn’t know many people and my Mom was living in Tucson. I was sick with a horrible stomach virus and a bad ear infection. I was almost out of toilet paper and needed more Pepto so I drove myself to the CVS store. While I was there I asked the woman in the pharmacy  what the best ear infection medicine was. She said they had some drops that were okay but they wouldn’t relieve the pain. So I passed on the drops but purchased more toilet paper and Pepto-Bismol and headed home. I called my friend Tyler who was a former lifeguard and paramedic and asked what home remedy I could do to ease the pain of the ear infection. He said to warm up some baby oil or olive oil and put a few drops in my ear and then place a cotton ball over it. I did what he said, took a few Advil PM pills and crashed out for the night. That next day the ear infection was much better but I was still sick to my stomach. As I sat in the bathroom I called Tyler again and explained the situation. He said he had the perfect remedy and then asked if I had toothpaste? I looked up at the bathroom sink where my bottle of Crest was sitting and said, “of course I have toothpaste, why?”

He said “You should dab a small amount of toothpaste on your finger and lightly coat the edge of your butt-hole.” I was like WHAT? He said, “Seriously, the toothpaste will cool the area and make it feel better in seconds.” I don’t know if it was the lack of fluid in my body or the fact that I was in so much pain from going to the bathroom that I was willing to try anything. But for some reason this made sense to me.

So I hung up the phone, stood up from the toilet with my pajamas around my ankles and leaned over to grab the Crest toothpaste bottle. I could hear him say “just a dab” but in true Heather Robinson fashion, I thought more would be better. So I squeezed the remaining half bottle of toothpaste into my hand, spread my cheeks and wiped it up my backside.

I stood there for a moment and he was right, the pain was immediately gone. As I let out a deep sigh of relief, I couldn’t help but feel a little warmth from between the cheeks. Then like sandpaper to a sunburn, I could feel everything from my butt-hole to my knees catch fire. I waddled John Wayne style over to the bathtub. In tears, I lowered myself into the ice cold water. I called my friend Tyler back and couldn’t catch my breath. He asked, “What’s wrong?” I said, “My ass is on fire. Please come quick.” In that moment he said, “Oh my God… you didn’t!” I screamed, “YES! I DID. PLEASE TYLER HELP ME.” Between the wheezing from his laughing, he asked how much I used. When I told him half of the Crest bottle, he began laughing so hard he gagged himself. Then he said the phrase that I dreaded to hear…”Heather, you need to hang up and call 911.”  I told him, “I would rather die right here in the bathtub.” He started laughing so hard he couldn’t stop. I finally hung up the phone and tried to get out of the bathtub.

Like little hangnails of the butt, I could feel the blisters rubbing together. Naked and soaking wet I walked over to the desk fan and turned it on high. I bent over and spread my cheeks while standing in front of the fan. The pain was so intense that I finally did what all morons who wipe toothpaste on their butts do… I called 911.

This was the most humiliating moment of my life. When the operator asked what the emergency was, I had to explain to her what I had done. She was completely professional but I knew, I knew that the minute she was off the phone I was going to be the one who got the “idiot of the week” award.

I reached for my robe and continued to stand in front of the fan. About ten minutes later I heard a knock on the door. The paramedics made their way into the house and found me standing there hunched over, with my cheeks spread while a fan was blowing cold air up my butt. I didn’t want to look up. I didn’t want to see hottie paramedic one, two, three and four standing there. Sure, this was just another day in the life of being a paramedic, but I was humiliated. I wanted to diffuse the situation, but the pain was so bad I just started to cry.

At that moment the paramedics did what paramedics do. They placed me on my hands and knees and got a good look at my blistered butt. I screamed as the plastic of the gloves made contact. One paramedic stated my blood pressure was through the roof. I screamed, “Ya think?! I have a blistered asshole here pal.” They looked at each other and said, “Yep. I think this is out of our hands. Maam, we’re going to take you to the ER.”

As I was telling this story the two kids were just looking at me completely horrified. The one kid said, “Uh, toothpasting is when we rub toothpaste on our nipples to get high. We would never be dumb enough to rub it on our butt-hole.”

The moral of this story…don’t put toothpaste anywhere but your mouth. 😉

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Be Careful When You “Pay It Forward” At Starbucks

My friends on Facebook had several comments about this story so I thought I would share it here as well.

Back in October Starbucks announced a “pay it forward” campaign during the government shutdown. The coffee chain was offering a free tall brewed coffee to any customer in the U.S. who buys another person a beverage at Starbucks. The offer was a way to help fellow citizens “support and connect with one another, even as we wait for our elected officials to do the same for our country,”  CEO Howard Schultz said in a memo to staff.

StarbucksSo here I was a month and a half later, a few days after Thanksgiving and I was sick with pneumonia. I was tired of drinking tea and water from my Keurig at home and wanted a Peppermint Mocha for my throat. Still in my jammies, I got into the car and made my way down to the  local Starbucks.

I placed my order and pulled around to the window. I heard the cashier say the total for the car behind me was $4.86. I looked at the $5.00 bill in my purse and thought what the heck. Campaign or not, I wanted to pay for the person behind me. He kindly took my $5.00 bill and I grabbed my drink. As I drove away, I couldn’t help but feel good about what I did.

I pulled around to the intersection and waited for the light to turn green. I was sipping on my drink when a car pulled up behind me. A woman got out of the passenger side and ran up to my window screaming. At first I didn’t understand what was happening until I heard her say, “Who the F**K do you think you are flirting with my husband? He doesn’t need some skank whore buying him coffee!” She took a wadded up $5.00 bill and threw it inside my window and walked back to her car cussing and screaming.

If I had my voice and felt better I would have totally said something. Instead I just coughed and laughed and coughed some more. I looked in my rear view mirror and could see her yelling at him and waving her hands all over the place. His eyes met mine and all I could do was smile. He obviously needed a lot more than a free coffee. You’re welcome guy in the Honda Accord. You’re welcome. P.S. Thanks for the 14 cents I made on that deal and the free entertainment!

So the next time you’re wanting to pay it forward, you may want to re-think your exit strategy when leaving the drive thru. 😉

When Bad Signs Happen To Good Communities

There I was waiting for the light to turn green when I noticed something different on the City of DuPont’s community sign. I couldn’t help but think, “It’s going to be an eventful Mother’s Day in DuPont, Washington.”  Don’t you worry, I have been told there won’t be any Mother’s Day “Hangings” this year.

However, if you’re looking for Mother’s Day Hanging Baskets, those are certainly available. (Somewhere someone is giggling to themselves for being creative. I applaud you. Now give back the letters!) 😉

Happy Mother’s Day!

MothersDayHanging3

Have YOU Experienced The “Sit Of Shame” Lately?

I was listening to  P!nk’s “Walk of shame” song this morning on my way to work when I noticed traffic starting to slow down along I-5 North. Ahead of me on the right shoulder I could see the glaring blue and red lights of a police cruiser who had pulled over a man in a lime green Ford Fusion.

As we slowly made our way past his vehicle, I couldn’t help but notice that the driver had his head lowered and was avoiding any and all eye contact with passersby. In true Heather fashion, I honked my horn and waved to the driver. The cop didn’t even look up from writing his ticket, however, the driver kept his head down and stuck his hand out the window while giving me the finger.

So, this Urban Dictionary entry is for you Lime Green Ford Fusion man.

1. Sit of shame

That moment when you’re sitting in your car after being pulled over by a cop. Knowing that every person driving by is looking at you.
Yesterday I was pulled over and had to endure the sit of shame as people slowly passed by looking at me.

SitOfShame

 

 

Some Things Aren’t Always What They Seem To Be… Get The Facts Before You Judge.

Often times people will say something that isn’t always accurate or true, yet they judge the person before getting all of the facts. I learned very quickly that while something may sound hilarious in my head, chances are pretty good that it won’t translate well at all. (Unless you have a sick twisted sense of humor.)
So take some time and get the facts before coming to a conclusion about someone or something.
The photos below are shared by Tanner Ringerud BuzzFeed Staff
 (This is not a dog politely riding the train to work.)

1. (This is not a dog politely riding the train to work.)

(This is not a tiny man riding on a woman's back.)

2. (This is not a tiny man riding on a woman’s back.)

(This is not a woman grabbing at her own crotch.)

3. (This is not a woman grabbing at her own crotch.)

(This is not a bottomless transgendered woman hanging out with friends.)

4. (This is not a bottomless transgendered woman hanging out with friends.)

(This is not a woman with a foot for a hand.)

5. (This is not a woman with a foot for a hand.)

(This man does not have an erection, and his penis (probably) doesn't look like a small arm.)

6. (Uhem… I’m sure it doesn’t look like a small arm.)

(This girl doesn't have insanely hairy arms.)

7. (This girl doesn’t have insanely hairy arms.)

(The bridesmaids are not all little people.)

8. (The bridesmaids are not all little people.)

(This boy's left hand is not actually massive.)

9. (This boy’s left hand is not actually massive.)

(This is not a young woman carrying a young man.)

10. (This is not a young woman carrying a young man.)

(This is not a tiny baby with fully grown legs.)

11. (This is not a tiny baby with fully grown legs.)

(The hockey player in blue did not punch the head off the hockey player in red.)

12. (The hockey player in blue did not punch the head off the hockey player in red.)

(The woman in lace actually has a head.)

13. (The woman in lace actually has a head.)

(This is not a boy with the face of a man.)

14. (This is not a boy with the face of a man.)

(That's not a boob.)

15. (That’s not a boob.)