Holiday Embarassment, Are You Guilty?

EmbarrassmentI don’t know if I’m more sensitive as I’ve gotten older or if I just don’t have the ability to ignore certain things anymore. Either way, for some reason it seems like people are eagerly taking advantage of social media outlets like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc., to post pictures of all of their gifts they received this holiday season.

I’ve seen several big screen televisions, laptops, jewelry, clothing and much more. So much more that I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t want to see it. I don’t care. I don’t care about your 70inch television or new laptop. Heck, I don’t even care about the enormous ham dinner you made for your family of twenty.

Maybe it’s just me and maybe this is something that I should just embrace. But I can’t.        I can’t do it because as much as I want to share my life with people, I understand that there are people who are on my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram who have been out of work. People who can’t afford one gift, let alone the fifty gifts that people choose to post online.

It’s not just about the gifts either. There are people on my social media pages who are unable to share the love and laughter with family and friends because they are either in another state or are simply no longer on this earth.

That is probably the toughest part…when you’re all alone with your memories and you realize that no matter how many presents are under the tree, they could never bring back the people that you love and miss the most.

Holidays are hard enough for some people, they don’t need a constant reminder every time they log online. Friends don’t let friends become Gift Gloaters!

Toothpasting Gone Wrong

A few days ago I overheard two kids talking about “toothpasting.” Not knowing what they were talking about, I tried to be cool and jumped into the conversation by stating that I “toothpasted” several years ago and would never do it again.

They both looked at me as if I were insane and they asked what happened?

I put my feet up and sat back in the chair as I began to tell them the story of my first and only “toothpasting” incident.

The year was 1998 or sometime around there and I had just moved to Los Angeles. I didn’t know many people and my Mom was living in Tucson. I was sick with a horrible stomach virus and a bad ear infection. I was almost out of toilet paper and needed more Pepto so I drove myself to the CVS store. While I was there I asked the woman in the pharmacy  what the best ear infection medicine was. She said they had some drops that were okay but they wouldn’t relieve the pain. So I passed on the drops but purchased more toilet paper and Pepto-Bismol and headed home. I called my friend Tyler who was a former lifeguard and paramedic and asked what home remedy I could do to ease the pain of the ear infection. He said to warm up some baby oil or olive oil and put a few drops in my ear and then place a cotton ball over it. I did what he said, took a few Advil PM pills and crashed out for the night. That next day the ear infection was much better but I was still sick to my stomach. As I sat in the bathroom I called Tyler again and explained the situation. He said he had the perfect remedy and then asked if I had toothpaste? I looked up at the bathroom sink where my bottle of Crest was sitting and said, “of course I have toothpaste, why?”

He said “You should dab a small amount of toothpaste on your finger and lightly coat the edge of your butt-hole.” I was like WHAT? He said, “Seriously, the toothpaste will cool the area and make it feel better in seconds.” I don’t know if it was the lack of fluid in my body or the fact that I was in so much pain from going to the bathroom that I was willing to try anything. But for some reason this made sense to me.

So I hung up the phone, stood up from the toilet with my pajamas around my ankles and leaned over to grab the Crest toothpaste bottle. I could hear him say “just a dab” but in true Heather Robinson fashion, I thought more would be better. So I squeezed the remaining half bottle of toothpaste into my hand, spread my cheeks and wiped it up my backside.

I stood there for a moment and he was right, the pain was immediately gone. As I let out a deep sigh of relief, I couldn’t help but feel a little warmth from between the cheeks. Then like sandpaper to a sunburn, I could feel everything from my butt-hole to my knees catch fire. I waddled John Wayne style over to the bathtub. In tears, I lowered myself into the ice cold water. I called my friend Tyler back and couldn’t catch my breath. He asked, “What’s wrong?” I said, “My ass is on fire. Please come quick.” In that moment he said, “Oh my God… you didn’t!” I screamed, “YES! I DID. PLEASE TYLER HELP ME.” Between the wheezing from his laughing, he asked how much I used. When I told him half of the Crest bottle, he began laughing so hard he gagged himself. Then he said the phrase that I dreaded to hear…”Heather, you need to hang up and call 911.”  I told him, “I would rather die right here in the bathtub.” He started laughing so hard he couldn’t stop. I finally hung up the phone and tried to get out of the bathtub.

Like little hangnails of the butt, I could feel the blisters rubbing together. Naked and soaking wet I walked over to the desk fan and turned it on high. I bent over and spread my cheeks while standing in front of the fan. The pain was so intense that I finally did what all morons who wipe toothpaste on their butts do… I called 911.

This was the most humiliating moment of my life. When the operator asked what the emergency was, I had to explain to her what I had done. She was completely professional but I knew, I knew that the minute she was off the phone I was going to be the one who got the “idiot of the week” award.

I reached for my robe and continued to stand in front of the fan. About ten minutes later I heard a knock on the door. The paramedics made their way into the house and found me standing there hunched over, with my cheeks spread while a fan was blowing cold air up my butt. I didn’t want to look up. I didn’t want to see hottie paramedic one, two, three and four standing there. Sure, this was just another day in the life of being a paramedic, but I was humiliated. I wanted to diffuse the situation, but the pain was so bad I just started to cry.

At that moment the paramedics did what paramedics do. They placed me on my hands and knees and got a good look at my blistered butt. I screamed as the plastic of the gloves made contact. One paramedic stated my blood pressure was through the roof. I screamed, “Ya think?! I have a blistered asshole here pal.” They looked at each other and said, “Yep. I think this is out of our hands. Maam, we’re going to take you to the ER.”

As I was telling this story the two kids were just looking at me completely horrified. The one kid said, “Uh, toothpasting is when we rub toothpaste on our nipples to get high. We would never be dumb enough to rub it on our butt-hole.”

The moral of this story…don’t put toothpaste anywhere but your mouth. 😉

Toothpaste1

I

Be Careful When You “Pay It Forward” At Starbucks

My friends on Facebook had several comments about this story so I thought I would share it here as well.

Back in October Starbucks announced a “pay it forward” campaign during the government shutdown. The coffee chain was offering a free tall brewed coffee to any customer in the U.S. who buys another person a beverage at Starbucks. The offer was a way to help fellow citizens “support and connect with one another, even as we wait for our elected officials to do the same for our country,”  CEO Howard Schultz said in a memo to staff.

StarbucksSo here I was a month and a half later, a few days after Thanksgiving and I was sick with pneumonia. I was tired of drinking tea and water from my Keurig at home and wanted a Peppermint Mocha for my throat. Still in my jammies, I got into the car and made my way down to the  local Starbucks.

I placed my order and pulled around to the window. I heard the cashier say the total for the car behind me was $4.86. I looked at the $5.00 bill in my purse and thought what the heck. Campaign or not, I wanted to pay for the person behind me. He kindly took my $5.00 bill and I grabbed my drink. As I drove away, I couldn’t help but feel good about what I did.

I pulled around to the intersection and waited for the light to turn green. I was sipping on my drink when a car pulled up behind me. A woman got out of the passenger side and ran up to my window screaming. At first I didn’t understand what was happening until I heard her say, “Who the F**K do you think you are flirting with my husband? He doesn’t need some skank whore buying him coffee!” She took a wadded up $5.00 bill and threw it inside my window and walked back to her car cussing and screaming.

If I had my voice and felt better I would have totally said something. Instead I just coughed and laughed and coughed some more. I looked in my rear view mirror and could see her yelling at him and waving her hands all over the place. His eyes met mine and all I could do was smile. He obviously needed a lot more than a free coffee. You’re welcome guy in the Honda Accord. You’re welcome. P.S. Thanks for the 14 cents I made on that deal and the free entertainment!

So the next time you’re wanting to pay it forward, you may want to re-think your exit strategy when leaving the drive thru. 😉

My Weight Loss Friend The NutriBullet!

NutribulletOkay, I admit it…I’ve been bitten by the NutriBullet bug. It all started a few months ago when my friend Kim B. posted a picture of herself on Facebook. She was always posting how great she felt and how wonderful her smoothies tasted.  You see, Kim is one of those women who is very smart and always seems to have her finger on the pulse of all things cool. So naturally I took notice and started to pay close attention to what she was doing.

For weeks I would surf Pinterest for recipes and would watch YouTube videos about the NutriBullet. Then it happened…the inevitable Black Friday. With iPad in lap, I sat patiently with my discount codes in hand waiting for the clock to strike midnight. I owned that Kohl’s website and the NutriBullet was mine! I ate a Pop Tart to celebrate my victory of getting a few steps closer to blasting my overweight self into infinity and beyond! (Or maybe just make an okay smoothie to choke down.)

The beast, as I have officially named it, arrived yesterday. I couldn’t wait for this morning to finally get here so I could make my first not blended, not juiced but EXTRACTED smoothie. (That’s what it says on the box.) I took all of those recipes that I found and made my own concoction. The first thing I did was Google how to cut a Pomegranate. Yeah, I know…I’m 35 years old and I have never cut a Pomegranate. So I learned with the help of Sharon at VeganPimp.com and her YouTube video.

Then I added the following: Frozen Spinach, Frozen Strawberries, Butter Lettuce, Pomegranate seeds, Cauliflower, Pineapple, Pineapple Juice, Water, and Almonds. I blended it all for about 30 seconds and it came out delicious! It does look like something the lawn mower would cough up, but its healthy and tasty.

Today is the start of something special. The Ol’ Beast and I are going places. Please comment with your favorite recipes, or hit me up via e-mail, Pinterest, Twitter or Facebook.

Cheers! 😀

Smoothie