Schooner or Later Being Fat Will Humiliate You

SORBYOCAs I have gained weight I wear yoga pants and long shirts and I make sure my girth is properly covered at all times. So it’s not often that I’m worried that someone will make a mean comment or launch an all out fat assault on me when I walk in the door to an establishment. I usually try to keep as far off the radar as possible, and it’s worked great… until today.

For lunch my husband and I decided to try a local restaurant that was featured on Diners, Drive-In’s and Dives. The place is called Schooner or Later in Long Beach, where apparently it’s the “in” place to be since the wait is often an hour or longer. When we arrived the wait was about twenty-five minutes so we sat in the shade overlooking the boats in the marina. Little did I know that as our name was called, much like Oprah has her “aha” moments, my “Kevin Smith” moment was about to happen. The host, who spoke very little English and hid his petite frame under his over-sized smokey pink sunglasses, showed us to our table. My husband took his seat and as I started to pull out my chair, the host said something in broken English about using the chair. I didn’t understand and I said, “Sure, you can absolutely use it!” He laughed and shook his head as he pointed to me, then back to the chair I was about to sit in, then back to me and then back to the chair one more time for good measure. He said, “You should use this chair, for heavy.” I thought to myself, “For heavy what?” Then it hit me like a swift kick from the Pillsbury doughboy himself… he meant me!

I looked at my husband and he said, “Really? Did that just happen?” I glanced down at the durable plastic chair that I was attempting to sit in then I looked at the metal framed chair that the host suggested I use. I stood there for a moment recalling how I had used the same exact durable plastic chair at a diner that we had previously eaten at. The legs didn’t snap off and I didn’t injure myself that time, so I would absolutely be able to use this chair as well. But I didn’t want to risk it. I didn’t want everyone sitting around us to have a show of the fat girl who busted out the legs on the undurable plastic chair and ended up face down on the deck with her club sandwich splattered all over the place.

So I slowly lowered myself into the metal chair and I wiggled around to see if I was too big for the metal frame. I had more than enough room but I still didn’t want to move. I couldn’t help but think of Kevin Smith on the Southwest Airlines flight. I thought WWKSD? (What Would Kevin Smith Do?) He would tweet the play by play of this moment with some awesome witty comments and his 2.7million followers would back him and spread the word. I slid my phone open to the Twitter icon and realized that my 600 followers wouldn’t give a crap about my issue and I would probably get a re-tweet from some spamming sex bot. Instead I ended up taking a picture of the chair and continued to sit in silence as my husband tried to talk with me.

After the meal was over I couldn’t help but look around at the people who were much larger than me, sitting in the plastic chairs. The 400lb woman next to us gave me the acknowledging “fatty glance” with a partial smile over her chocolate sundae she was gorging on. I smiled back at her with a hint of go f**k yourself. I guess my day had finally arrived where I was the blip or shall I say blimp on the radar and was quickly reminded that I still have a long way to go in my weight loss journey. One thing is for sure, I will be going back and I will sit in every durable plastic chair I can find. Hell, maybe even Kevin Smith and his crew will join me!

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