If My BMI Was A Test Score, I Would Be On Honor Roll

Word to the wise… don’t visit a health fair and have the woman take your blood pressure or BMI if you aren’t prepared for a roundhouse kick to the face. I thought I would try to play nice with others and have the little old lady tell me how effed up I really am. (As if I needed to be reminded in my current state right now.)

I was with a friend who had her BMI taken. Her voice got loud and she said, “Holy crap… if my BMI was a test score, I would be an honor student!” I had to laugh at that. Then the nurse took my blood pressure and wrote something down on her clipboard. She dropped her glasses from her nose and stared at me with a look of panic and sadness. Either she was going to call 911 or she was going to pass gas. I was really hoping for the gas.

She asked if something was wrong and I just sat there. I didn’t even know where to begin. Yes, something is wrong. Lot’s of somethings are wrong. I recently became engaged to the man I love with all of my heart. Hold your squeals of excitement. I am NOT one of those girls who thinks marriage is awesome and had my “marriage notebook” prepared since middle school. I never really thought I would find someone who I could tolerate long enough to have a life with, let alone them tolerate me. Just when I thought I would have lots of time to wrap my head around the idea of an engagement and marriage, my fiancé found out that his ear infection wasn’t really an ear infection, it’s a brain tumor.

Yeah, let that sit with you for a minute. When you reach the “WHAT THE FU*K” status let me know and I will continue. Ready to continue on? Yeah, me either…

So now we have a wedding planned, if you call having a date really a plan. We have no location, time or anything else. Is Chuck E. Cheese considered a venue? I attempted to get fitted for a dress at David’s Bridal in Olympia and that was an anxiety driven, sweat-filled nightmare. The corset they had me wear should have been made with a Sham-wow. The amount of sweat dripping down my legs could have easily been mistaken for me pissing myself as I shuffled my lace and satin covered, pearl-lined sweaty ass out in front of a bunch of women who I had just met minutes before.

I grabbed my phone and sent a distress text to my fiancé who was somewhere out in the parking lot waiting for me. I changed my clothes and prayed that the vomit in my throat would stay down long enough for me to exit the building. I got in the car and we drove home in silence.

The nurse just sat there as I told my story. She reached in her purse and grabbed a bottle of her own blood pressure medicine and tossed it back with a glass of water. I couldn’t help but smile knowing I had just crapped on someones day. You’re welcome old nurse lady, you’re welcome!

Stay tuned for more…

8 thoughts on “If My BMI Was A Test Score, I Would Be On Honor Roll

  1. Sonya says:

    This was so funny, (minus the whole what the fu*k part), I am so sorry to read that he is not well but I hope for the best!!! Not that you know me or should care, but someone out there is ruining for you guys!
    I am pretty sure she did pass gas. :p

      • Sonya says:

        Did I write ruining?! HAHAHAH awesome that’s what I get for not rereading. Ahh well I am ruining and rooting for you at the same time. I am complicated.

      • Sonya says:

        Oh the cuss word? I was going to write the real thing, but I figured you didn’t want cuss words on your site. Honestly it is a what the f*** not heck, and screw anyone that gets offended by that! It’s completely out of left field for both of you. Anything you feel right now you are justified in, don’t hide that. (I actually just wrote a post about cussing, wherein I cuss but I am part sailor so it’s a problem).

  2. elise says:

    you expressed it perfectly my friend…I used to be a sub contractor for David’s Bridal…I wish I could have been there with you and helped you thru the dress nightmare with a few tricks of the trade that makes the experience less painful in so many ways…

  3. Mara says:

    I miss you SOOOO much girlfriend! You are a force of nature and I am constantly in awe 🙂 you and your man will make it through everything – the tumor, the wedding and the lifetime of happiness that is
    headed your way. 🙂

    • Error of My Weighs says:

      I miss you so much too!!!!! Thank you for your message. When all is said and done, lets PLEASE get together for a post wedding bachelorette party!!!!
      LOL OMG I could only imagine that. Okay, maybe we shouldn’t do that. 🙂 I have your e-mail now so I am going to write you and catch up! xoxoxoxo

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